Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why people with hundreds of friends on FB are spending their time on FB and not with one of them instead.

   At first, I was thinking of gifting my friend an iPad for his birthday, but on a second thought, I might just gift hm a magnifying glass for his iPhone...

   figured out that plastic surgery allows women to make their outer appearance resemble their inner appearance -- fake.

   When I see a hot girl in a Movie or on T. V, I google her name to see if she has any nude pics.

   I just want a man who knows the difference between… Its/It's… Your/You're… Two/To/Too… Their/There/They're… and eats my pu$$y like a pro.

   It's been over a year since I found anything to steal here. If nobody else is gonna say it I will. R I P FSM. I'd type the whole name of the page but we're not allowed smh...

   I like to flirt with people in stable relationships just to test how stable their relationship is.

   hey, lets take a picture of our f#kin dinner and put it on facebook so the whole world can not give a sh!t

   "You can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want." -Peter Griffin

   In the chemistry lab, proving that ugliness is more than skin deep.

   How could anybody in the World think that "wRiTiNg iN tHiS wAy" is cool??? It's only a language murder and a terrifying waste of writing-and-reading-time...stupid kids, have you got the hiccough???

   I jerked off to Poison for almost a year before I found out they were dudes. And then for like another 3 months.

   According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading.

   If God gave you a good singing voice you should sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice you should sing loud in church to get even.

   SAFETY REMINDER: If you encounter an NFL Running Back this weekend, Keep your distance and do NOT approach them....

   I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.

   Your honor, let the record show the defendant's eyebrows are drawn on.

   We should've let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.

   [job interview] it says here that one of your strengths is making snake sounds, is this true? “yesssssssssssssssss”

   I don't think Bruce Jenner realizes that there can only be 5 Spice Girls.