Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't get the toilet seat issue that woman have. I won't put my naked butt on anything without looking at it first. Apparently some woman ar not so discriminating

   I always try to watch what I eat...that way I don't bite my finger.

   I think the WHITE HOUSE should think outside the box now!

   My Uncle always told me our side of the family had Irish Alzhiemers , That's where you forget everything but the grudge

   It takes more muscles to frown than it does to just completely ignore people.

   thinks that it's no coincidence that there are no z's in insomnia.

   If it squirms it's Biology; if it stinks it's Chemistry; if it doesn't work it's Physics and if you can't understand it, it's Mathematics.

   No I do not want to see who deleted you from facebook in 2010.. And if you keep it up, I'm going to be first on the list for 2011..

   I don't think I could ever be with a woman who is just like me. For one thing, she'd be way too big and hairy.

   Party all night like animals, wake up feeling like road kill

   if the truth hurts. why are you not crying?

   Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late and see the New Years in. Middle age is when you're forced to.

   New Year's Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

   If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?

   The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

   Our Parents Spend half Our Lives Trying to get us to Stand up and talk now they 0nly want to see you sit down and shut up

   . Life is like a can of beans. It lets out a toot every so often and is worth a good laugh!

   thinks that Valentine's Day is Halloween's evil, hateful twin.

   Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.

   doesn't want you to call me lazy until you've walked a couple of steps in my flip-flops.