Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wanna be happy and married? Erase the last two words from the previous sentence.

   Lean Cuisine you may have fewer calories and less fat, but you do not satisfy me.  I'm still hungry.   :(

   Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.

   Given his pass completion percentage tonight, it's clear Favre just isn't handling balls like he used to.

   That rather uneasy moment when you tickle someone and they aren't ticklish.

   learned that smiling suppresses the gag reflex... and some people wonder why I smile so much around them

   whoever killed him should be awarded Pippa Middleton

   Marco....marco.....marco??? Oh Osama you're not playing anymore?

   How do vampires shave if they can't see in the mirror?

   Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later saw the same 4 men carrying the same coffin. Thought to myself; they've lost the plot!

   You know gas is expensive when you need the reflexes of a Ninja to get the pump to stop on a even dolar amount.

   Im all about recycling and this green movement and all but I just read that my new boxer briefs were made from 100% recycled materials. Yea, can they not do that....

   Hopefully today I don't have any unknown kids coming to my door with gifts.....Happy Fathers Day anyways......

   eventually we all stop lying about our age and start bragging about it!!!

   I have to take my paycheck to the bank. Its too little to go by itself.

   Disclaimer: I'm really bad at judging what size Tupperware container leftovers will fit in.

   Talking faster and repeating louder your very weak argument does not help you. It makes you appear more like a toddler. And a whiny one at that

   "The guy you dreamed of isn't available, so they sent me instead." What all dudes should say on a first date.

   I hope $20 is gonna be enough to last me till next payday.

   Each day gives you an opportunity to change something in your life. I use that opportunity to change my underwear.