Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...

   Thanks everyone for posting photos of the fresh snow. No, really I haven't seen nearly enough in person even though I was shoveling at 5am this morning.

   While Facebooking, cars in front of you may be closer than expected.

   If you ever need to know who your real friends are just tell them you need help moving and see who shows up

   When I hear "Tropical Depression" I think of Toucan Sam sitting in a rain-forest crying.

   Well I tried watching the eclipse but the damn moon was in the way!

   OK, I'm not sure what button I hit on Facebook's privacy settings, but I just found Mark Zuckerberg in my home going through my photo albums

   Yes, I realize I'm leaving early. But don't forget, I also came in late.

   what's the point in knocking when you can just text someone that you're outside their house.

   You're only young once, but you can be immature the rest of your life

   For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

   always keep your words soft and sweet... just in case you have to eat them..

   I'll judge your whiteness based on your reaction when Jump Around comes on.

   i wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There's ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....

   I dont know who is more pathetic, the idiot who opens and runs a celebrity parody twitter account or the idiots who follows and re-tweets thinking its the real celebrity.

   if a drug commercial spends 15 seconds on the drug and 45 seconds on the side effects, I'd avoid that one...

   Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.

   I'm hiding all my porn on VHS. Even if my kids find it, they won't know what to do with it.

   Do you even know what the word "impeach" means? Hint: It does NOT mean getting kicked out of office.

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.