Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a bad feeling we're going to pay for Taylor Swift not having a boyfriend on Valentines Day.

   The information age, does anyone else find it just a little bit ironic that it has produced so many uninformed people.

   I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights

   My salt shaker has been clogged for two years, so don't come to me with your issues.

   The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

   Barry Manilow gets married to partner and comes out of the closet..... World rolls eyes and says, "Oh Gee Barry, we had no clue."

   Ahh Brunch, the Sunday activity that makes drinking before noon socially acceptable.

   Teen at Starbucks asked if I could take her selfie. I said that would just be a photo.... She's still blinking at me.

   Halloween is just over a week away now. When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”

   "LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

   Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...

   Thanks everyone for posting photos of the fresh snow. No, really I haven't seen nearly enough in person even though I was shoveling at 5am this morning.

   While Facebooking, cars in front of you may be closer than expected.

   If you ever need to know who your real friends are just tell them you need help moving and see who shows up

   When I hear "Tropical Depression" I think of Toucan Sam sitting in a rain-forest crying.

   Well I tried watching the eclipse but the damn moon was in the way!

   OK, I'm not sure what button I hit on Facebook's privacy settings, but I just found Mark Zuckerberg in my home going through my photo albums

   Yes, I realize I'm leaving early. But don't forget, I also came in late.

   what's the point in knocking when you can just text someone that you're outside their house.

   You're only young once, but you can be immature the rest of your life