Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.

   I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year

   I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night ...After 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

   Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna' be a great day.

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now...

   Even Joe Biden said stricter laws won't stop the problem. If they can't enforce the laws already on the books what makes them think they can enforce these?

   Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.

   A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby

   It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, or vacuum cleaner.

   It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

   When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.

   is just me or do buffalo wings taste a lot like chicken?

   Mark Zuckerberg got married today. His new wife set her relationship status to "CHA-CHING!!"

   Today's Forecast: Mostly Grumpy with a 60% chance of Grouchy. High of Mean/Low of Nasty. A Temper Tantrum warning is in effect. Take immediate shelter!

   not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.

   cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool

   So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?

   Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising

   McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'

   I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.