Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

   Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.

   the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

   I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old.

   They say the average adult has sex 54x a year. So, this should be a heck of a 3 months!

   Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

   I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

   Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.

   I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

   Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

   “I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

   I'm not sure what level we just hit on Jumanji but I vote we just play Candyland next time.

   "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

   I have all the world's knowledge at the very tips of my fingers where I can find the answers to life's most perplexing questions! and here I am googleing What did Oscar the Grouch do if he overslept on trash day?

   My New Year's resolution is to be more social by deleting all my social networks.

   I'm determind to stay out of debt this new year. Even if I have to borrow the money to do so.

   [watching porn] me: she didn't wash her hands, that's how you get the flu.

   Just gave a huge pile of laundry the finger while I walked past it