Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook needs a "I'll Drink To That" button.

   Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS.

   Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

   I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   Listening to the news right now .... I'm trying to figure out which ones are the "Real" and which are the "Fake" News Channels. Some are portraying Fidel Castro as a Champion of the People. Is that considered as Real or Fake News?

   This year I'm not giving up anything for Lent. I'm just giving up.

   Day 3 of the flu is going well so far. I managed to brush my teeth without sneezing!!

   There is nothing worse than a kid with a toy that makes noise.

   Even to this day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.

   I no longer question authority; I annoy authority. More fun, less effort.

   45 minutes ago I took a bite of celery. I'm still chewing.

   Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat? Good times.

   EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!

   Do you ever see your memories pop up here on Facebook and think to yourself "wtf was I thinking" I do. Just about every damn day.

   Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great..... But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better. Just sayin'....

   911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my arse

   There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".

   To all my friends having a identity crisis, I love you, and you know who you are, I think?