Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why can I not stop watching the Food Network?

   It may look like i'm doing nothing but at the cellular level i'm actually quite busy.

   to quit looking at my status

   ...thinks animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway

   have you ever noticed that there are some people that don't need to be on facebook. They either inadvertenly cause drama, or they are prone to the late night drunken facebook status updates

   Amazon always recommends me the things I bought, I mean dude why would I want the same or similar thing again

   I wonder how we really know that hard work never killed anybody, when the only reliable witness may be dead?

   I don't understand some elevator people... Do you really think pushing the elevator button more than once makes it move faster?

   you wanna know how to frustrate half the population in an instant?.... NEW facebook!!"

   I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future... but enough about my diet.

   If you want someone to know that you think you're cooler than them, pretend like you don't remember their name.

   How come TSA always "randomly" searches my luggage, but I can't randomly hit the lotto

   So...that guy took hostages at the Discovery Channel HQ in order to get them to change their programming? Has he seen how awesome Shark Week is? I would think that bombing TLC is more understandable...

   I will play fair when I get to make up the rules.

   Seriously considering quitting my job. The lack of cellphone service makes it incredibly hard to avoid working.

   if only priceline has health insurance...then there would be no need for goverment intervention

   BP says their latest cleanup technique is called a "Dirty Sanchez." I don't want details.

   The fine print on Krazy Glue reads, "The only two things this product will successfully attach are your fingers and this tube."

   noticed that piracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook

   Every morning around this time I start to wonder if I'm the maury type