Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you always fist bump the cashier whenever your card doesn't get declined? Yeah, me neither. Good talk.

   Dude, you need a Field Goal, two Touchdowns, and two Two-Point Conversions just to take this to overtime. That's impossible! Brady: Hold my beer.

   I decided to start calling my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do every morning is go to the Jim.

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."

   It was fortunate that while investigation into Trump's wild claims took place, there was no other news to report.

   I successfully said "Worcestershire sauce" today!

   i wear a mask when I sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

   Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

   Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.

   Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

   Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

   I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 35 waiting for the room to stop spinning.

   My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday

   Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

   Wanna know why there's power outages in Texas, Carol F-ing Baskin

   Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

   I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

   On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

   The grocery store has 2 new aisles filled with "Halloween Candy" but it sure looks like the same candy they sell all year.

   Husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to phone a friend."