Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody can't 'except' you are a very spiritual person but I'm sure a few could 'accept' it.

   Inventor of the bar code dies at 91. Several burial attempts will be made before a manager is called to enter him into the ground manually.

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use Real dinosaurs...

   The girl in line behind me at the store was taking duck face pics with her phone. I didn't have any bread crumbs on me so I hit that b%$ch in the face with a loaf of french bead.

   When our NATION would rather argue about whether or not Bert and Ernie are gay (hand puppets) and not address the fact that we are economical​ly in a disaster!!​ Then I must say enough is enough and we have failed as a leading powerful country!!

   My little sister's password for the Disney website is “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto” I asked her why, she said “They told me to use 4 characters”

   refuseing to joke about Steve Jobs. One, because you're expecting it. Two, because I'm a good friend of his brother Blow. RIP Steve Jobs.

   I've given up looking for my soulmate. Just looking for a holemate now.

   I always found it ironic when the president of a nation who leads the world in global arms sales speaks out against gun violence.

   And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that's where I unfollowed you.

   Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drink get colder. Music gets louder. Night get longer. Life gets Better.

   Don't worry, I got your back. And your ass. And a little in your hair too.

   Ghetto word of the Day: DISAPPOINTMENT. Usage: My Parole officer said if I miss disappointment they gonna throw my ass back in jail.

   I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

   Hi, Faithbook! - Mike Tyson

   I'd like to take this opportunity to give a shout out to those in America who still have faith in, and who resoundingly support Hillary Clinton. I applaud all 3 of yall :)

   its so hot, I just saw a bird blow a worm before it ate it

   Time's running out if you want a chance at a Christmas / New Year baby.. I'm free for the next couple nights..

   [this comment has been removed due to legal action by the Church of Scientology]

   A girl's moan is the sexiest sound, ever.