Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys the secret to a happy marriage...... "Honey, you're absolutely right."

   I've noticed that if you remove the vowels from the word "FEMALE" it spells FML.

   You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth

   Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.

   It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .

   “It’s the little things in life that make you laugh,” my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets at Walmart.

   You know you're ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg.

   I'm trying to get a grip on reality and when I do, I'm going to choke the living snot out of it.

   The point in making a point is to actually make a point,

   Deja poo. The feeling that you've been through this crap before

   What do you get a girl who has everything ? Penicillin

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but think that my days around here are numbered...

   The sign at the florist's said, "Say It With Flowers." I go in and ordered one rose. The guy asks me if I'm cheap. I go, "No, I'm a man of few words."

   You never truly realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper, for example.

   Today reminds me of that old Schoolhouse Rock episode, "How a Bill Becomes an Embarrassing Failure By Paul Ryan."

   Truth is truth. It does not need to be "balanced" and it isn't caused by voting, consensus, polls or by yelling louder or silencing someone.

   Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   [Leaving the drive thru] Fries: Can’t you even wait until you get home? Stop that. I said stop! Noooo...

   I realized I wasn't my parents favorite kid when they ask me to help blow up ballonns for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.

   Every time I get a headache I imagine it's because someone wants me to get in bed with them.