Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone wanna go halfsies on a nuclear bunker?

   Debating an internet troll is like teaching a monkey how to drive a car. You both get frustrated and one of you ends up throwing feces.

   My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”

   Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.

   I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

   Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves

   I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

   Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

   Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.

   There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.

   When it feels like your moral compass always points south.

   In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.

   The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you

   Ohhhh you’re an alpha male on the Internet. Here. Have a cookie.

   * The older I get the earlier it gets late.

   I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.

   Some of you all went from homemade, natural, all organic cleaning products to Clorox real fast...

   You can’t call it “pandemic” unless it’s from the Pandemic region of France, otherwise it’s just Sparkling Flu

   A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.