Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apple is now valued at 1 trillion dollars which is the same as the Gross Domestic Product of Florida... But that's comparing Apples to Oranges

   I wonder of the #MeToo movement folks realize that most people born before 1995 see the "#" sign as the "pound"

   Out of all the utensils to eat rice with how the f*@k did 2 sticks win?

   I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

   Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves

   I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

   Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

   Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.

   Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

   I can't wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!

   When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.

   Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.

   Something I have in common with Mariah Carey- I don't know the words to her songs either.

   Not ALL politicians are liars. Some of them actually believe the stupid crap they say...

   sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.

   When preparing a PowerPoint presentation for a big meeting, it is important to keep things simple enough that even a manager can understand it.

   Remember when WWE finally came out and admitted that everything was staged and that it was entertainment... and how crushing it was for people who still thought it was real?... I'm awaiting politicians to make the same announcement...

   Anyone wanna go halfsies on a nuclear bunker?

   Debating an internet troll is like teaching a monkey how to drive a car. You both get frustrated and one of you ends up throwing feces.

   My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”