Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 178 of 6383

   messageicon When it feels like your moral compass always points south.
←Rate | 12-11-2017 14:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.
←Rate | 01-04-2018 07:08 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you
←Rate | 03-04-2018 10:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ohhhh you’re an alpha male on the Internet. Here. Have a cookie.
←Rate | 03-25-2018 07:26 Comments (1)  


   messageicon * The older I get the earlier it gets late.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 23:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
←Rate | 11-19-2016 20:05 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can't wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
←Rate | 11-27-2016 09:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
←Rate | 12-19-2016 14:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
←Rate | 01-11-2017 14:21 by Mickey Comments (0)  


   messageicon Something I have in common with Mariah Carey- I don't know the words to her songs either.
←Rate | 01-13-2017 08:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not ALL politicians are liars. Some of them actually believe the stupid crap they say...
←Rate | 01-27-2017 09:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.
←Rate | 02-15-2017 02:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When preparing a PowerPoint presentation for a big meeting, it is important to keep things simple enough that even a manager can understand it.
←Rate | 02-16-2017 10:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember when WWE finally came out and admitted that everything was staged and that it was entertainment... and how crushing it was for people who still thought it was real?... I'm awaiting politicians to make the same announcement...
←Rate | 06-23-2016 20:02 by JaxWylde Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone wanna go halfsies on a nuclear bunker?
←Rate | 08-05-2016 05:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Debating an internet troll is like teaching a monkey how to drive a car. You both get frustrated and one of you ends up throwing feces.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 03:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”
←Rate | 09-12-2016 08:26 by thejoke.cafe Comments (0)  


   messageicon Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.
←Rate | 10-17-2016 11:14 by thejoke.cafe Comments (0)  


   messageicon I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves
←Rate | 08-01-2020 20:44 by Lonnie Comments (0)  




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