Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy hump day! And no I don't mean Wednesday...

   Miley Cyrus awarding best original song at the Oscars...Irony defined?

   Heading out to do laundry with a roll of quarters in my pocket. I hope I dont run into anyone I am happy to see.

   the most successful people are those who are good at plan B.

   never knew Un Dos Tres were count of men. today ricky martin, tmrw jonas brothers!

   now answering the phone at work with the following greeting: "Mercy Hospital, Psychiatric Ward, Dr. Lechter speaking..."

   will take "same sh*t different day" for $200.00, please

   Paul the Octopus just got hired by the CIA ...

   Imagination is intelligence having fun.

   Technically all breakfasts are continental, unless you eat them in the ocean.

   We get it, London, you're better at rioting than Vancouver, you can stop now.

   My wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.

   I believe the children are our future... and after my last trip to Wal-Mart... I believe our future looks bleak...

   The Oscars are over. From now on, any reference to "The King's Speech" should only reflect the things Charlie Sheen says.

   Facebook should change the "Friends" section to "Friends & People I've Only Made Eye Contact With".

   Jell-O: Doubling the global demand for supply of Vodka since 1923

   ... Dude, turn it down before your windows fall out.

   looking forward to all of the job opeings after the rapture happens...

   Only the brave men wear white underwear

   having people over for dinner. They asked what they could bring, I said dinner,