Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

   Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam's C.D It cuts like a knife

   I'm still watching the Never Ending Story

   After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

   Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account

   I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   I do not have attention deficit disorder. I have what you're saying is boring the sh*t out of me disorder.

   Forget dancing like no one is watching. Dance like a toddler. They don't even care if there's music....

   Diet Journal, May 10th: Ate 3 saltines like a wolf pack taking down a caribou.

   If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family.

   Just a Christmas reminder. Buy your kids a big pack of batteries and attach a card that says "Toys not Included".

   Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!

   is upset that facebook won't let him start a relationship with himself

   Boy goes to a strip club; His mom gets angry and asks him: "did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?"; Boy: ''yes I saw Dad

   95 and Hazy today, kind of like Bernie Sanders

   Trump has decided to build a wall around the FBI Building.

   Gotta listen to the little man inside. The little man knows all. Unless, your little man is an idiot.

   game over

   I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I'm gonna be pretty good at it.