Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I prefer my sex be no strings attached. However rope or handcuff attached is just fine. ;0)

   Lord, please place one hand over my shoulder and the other over my mouth!! Thank you!

   Meanwhile, at the BP command center ... *cricket* *Cricket*

   the Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert.Tonto hears something and drops to the ground with his ear to the dirt.After a few seconds he lifts his head "Buffalo come!"he says"how can you tell?"says the Lone Ranger"Face sticky "says Tonto

   n't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

   The day I confuse the Google search box with my Facebook status update box will be a tragic, life changing and possibly fatal one.

   I wish one night stands could be annulled.

   you wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating Fruit Loops on your front porch.

   Every man should carry a sharp knfife , a sharp pen and a sharp tongue but only a gentlemen knows whe to use them

   Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

   just had a near-work experience...

   My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. ALL LOANS MATTER

   Still trying to figure out how they can all afford to buy guns and bullets while on Food Stamps.

   i dropped my affordable health care because I couldn't afford it .

   If you never whined and begged your mom for a quarter to put in the trinket machine in the front of the grocery store and then ended up chasing a bouncy ball down isle 9 and knocking over a pyramid of potted meat then your childhood probably sucked.

   Well behaved women rarely make browser history.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice!!!

   Congratulations to all who won in the election and my condolences to all who have lost I wish you all the best in the future. Now please get your dayum signs off my street corners. Have a great day.

   My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.