Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pet Peeve #11: Bathroom Pictures. There's no other mirror in your place? Enough already!

   A man walked in to a bar and said, "I'll have a pint of less, please." "Less?" the barman replies, "what's that?" "I don't know either," the man said, "but my doctor told me to drink less."

   Lord Voldemort is real evil. He turned Cedric Diggory into Edward Cullen.

   Ahhh...STRESS!! Cafe mocha vodka valium latte to go PLEASE

   None of my illegitimate sons sent me a card today. B@stards.

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

   "Little Women" author Louisa May Alcott was diagnosed with Lupus 119 years after her death. And you thought your HMO was slow.

   thinks that you can only be young once, but you can always be immature.

   To err is divine. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

   thinks if Bear Grylls would have been in the garden of eden he would have eaten the snake instead of the apple!

   shh...my common sense is tingling.

   If the best things in life are free? Then why am I always broke?

   I think the part of the whole sexting craze that gives me the greatest sense of outrage is the part where I'm not involved in it at all.

   You know sh*ts about to go down when someone says, "hold my beer & watch this",..

   I'm not fat, I'm kidnap proof

   I didn't lose my keys this time, I lost the whole d*mn car!

   Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

   "Find your ideal partner on Facebook!" No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

   thinking i'm going to hand out pretzels and bruised apples for Halloween this year

   When someone says "You're the best," just know that it's not really true because I'm the best.