Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was witness a Toyota Prius that had a malfunction accelerator. For a Prius it was flying. It had to be going at least 49 mph.

   If you're happy, don't ask questions. Isn't that right ?

   working today to stamp out, eliminate and erradicate redundancy...

   I Cried for New Shoes, Until I Saw Someone With No Feet

   This isn't quite what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it was the best I could do on such short notice.

   Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.

   "Well done, son. I'm very appointed in you." "Appointed?" "Opposite of disappointed." "You mean proud?" "Let's not get carried away, kiddo."

   Just once I'd like to see a Congressman resign by saying, "I regret everything but the blow jobs. They were awesome."

   Why do women continue to buy men gifts when the 2 best gifts are free. Blow Jobs and Silence

   Anti-social behavior is a sign of intelligence in a world full of conformists.

   Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning "bad hunter."

   I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a great new twist to a rather boring practical joke...

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

   I wonder if guys who masturbate to feet, ever get off on the wrong foot..... ba-dum ching (Don't get up, I'll let myself out.)

   Lets hear it for the curvy girls. Skinny girls, please eat something, if I want to see your ribs I would ask for your x-ray.

   Friends are like bananas. If you peel back their skin, and eat them, they wil die.

   When cocaine wants to get high it does a line of Charlie Sheen.

   The internets recipe for Cream Pie is different than my Grandmothers

   For the sake of equality, I'm making snowboobs instead of snowballs this year.