Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kids don't like when I drink, but if it wasn't for alcohol, they wouldn't even be here.

   The saddest part of Harrison Ford turning 70 is how easily he could still kick my butt.

   So this Kristen Stewart cheating stuff... Still a better love story than Twilight.

   NASA announces rover "Curiosity" landed safely on Mars. In a related story, Martians are reportedly furious over the death of their cat...vow revenge.

   Pterodactyls are probably extinct because of the pterrible and ptedious spelling of their stupid species name.

   I'll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I'm thinking to myself..."Umm...isn't that what real life is for?"

   Lately I've been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...

   Everyone needs a nice pair of boobs to soap up in the shower, their own or someone else's.

   i hate when things come between us, our clothes for instance

   Currently building a rocket ship for the next girlfriend that tells me she needs some space.

   Are you stalking me? Cause that would be awesome!

   Ladies, the third outfit you try on is always our favourite because we just want all this torture and torment to end.

   "It's the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.

   Want to be a rebel? THINK.

   Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"

   anybody else worried about the lack of toilets on the star ship enterprise?

   One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.

   Oral sex does not mean talking about it.

   Chemists do it on the table...periodically.

   I need a good cry... I think I'll go weigh myself.