Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he's not home?

   I've figured out how to solve the problem of the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at veterans' funerals. We aim the 21-gun salute at them.

   Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it's voice activated. I'm at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number

   What people need are Café Mocha Marijuana Latte's. . .

   2011 - "50 Shades of Gray" sells 125 million copies. 2018 - "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is offensive.

   I think Walmart needs a new parking sign "Just Lazy"

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   Well, I guess we are going to see "The Nutcracker" on Saturday! My mother-in-law, not the play.......

   Strippers always say they’re just trying to feed their kids, but get super pissed when you throw cans of green beans & KFC coupons at them.

   Devil worshipers crack me up. Why would you worship a diety that lost a fiddle contest to some Georgia hillbilly?

   Thx for thinking of me Amazon, but I really only needed that one washing machine part, not one every time I log in...

   My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.

   The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.

   When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.

   Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.

   Area 51 is where they keep the working McDonalds iced cream machine.

   Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.

   They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.

   Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. Just bought a TV and it said 'Built in Antenna." I don't even know where that is.