Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would totally vote for Herman Cain but only if he introduces himself at the next debate by singing... ♪♪ Here I am!! Rock you like a Herman Cain!! ♪♪

   you know....they say one in every four men are gay....so there must be one in my group of friends.....I hope it's Michael, 'cuz he's super cute....

   punched the devil in the face today :D or a kid in a costume, either way that motherfucker learnt not to come to my house asking for lollies :)

   I've been dating a homeless women recently, and I think it's getting serious. She asked me to move out with her.

   Pringles should make their containers like a Push-Pop

   Drop and iphone on the floor: break the screen. Drop an old Nokia on the floor: break the floor

   Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes, your pin codes and passwords.

   People are so predictable..I bet you're even reading this status right now.

   all in all you're just another 'update' in the wall.

   Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're in prison.

   Best Relationship: Talk like bestfriends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister.

   Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil

   It's scary when the weatherman is the closest one on the news now to telling the truth now.

   If Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles had a boy band it would be called "what direction"

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer....

   Sometimes, you can just tell it's gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.

   We should be able to text 911, just in case you're hiding from the crazy psycho killer in the trunk of a car...

   Girls are supposed to dance. That's why god gave them parts that jiggle.

   I think from now on...I'm going to start referring to the crease on my double chin, as an "extra smile".

   Why do all the women who intrigue me always live too far away and with their boyfriends and husbands?