Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's always a ho or a rumour that ruins every relationship

   Wal-Mart needs to change their slogan to "what has been seen can never be unseen."

   Teacher told us how Tom Sawyer was a free-spirited tale of misbehaving rascals; then screamed at us to sit still & listen.

   Don't you hate it when you get texts from people like "ok" or "ya" and you don't know what to say so you just don't text back.

   Cellphones have made hide and seek meaningless now.

   I am too lazy to walk a mile in your shoes so I will just go ahead and judge you.

   Winter trees at sunset have the look of a lonely old man realizing there will be no visitors today.

   I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

   My advice is to make money the old fashioned way (by intercepting Spanish galleons transporting gold from the New World).

   Remember when white folks went crazy and started planking? That was some weird sh*t. I would rather watch them dance than plank.

   Here we go... Very good... You're doing a great job of reading this post... Just passed the middle... Nearly there... Wonderful job... All done... And like it!

   Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

   thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.

   A girl is always RIGHT....Just sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, senseless, unchangeable, and even downright stupid but not WRONG.

   When I'm depressed I cut myself.....................a piece of cake.

   I have to remind myself this weekend there will be many Halloween parties. So don't go by instinct and start shooting zombies in the head.

   Hosting a little family dinner party tomorrow. Do you think 1 box of Cheerios will be enough for 6 people?

   Dear Santa, Don't bring me anything this year as I've got every thing I need. Tyrone, aged 7 from Baltimore

   It's God's job to judge the terrorists...it's our mission to arrange the meeting." -U.S. Marines

   If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching then I don’t see the point of money.