Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd donate to a GoFundMe page dedicated to stopping people from asking me to donate to their GoFundMe page.

   Calling someone “stupid” is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it’s just a diagnosis.

   Fast food workers that want a tip confuse me, if you want a tip, be a server, not a flipper.

   Smart Car owners have the added bonus of "my dog ate my car' as an excuse for being late to work.

   My philosophy is if you haven't used something in over a year you should just throw it away, which is why my genitals are in the garbage

   When 100 couples were asked "why did you decide to have kids" the most popular answer was "because we hate our money."

   I fell into a gorilla enclosure once and nobody even noticed

   Whenever I see our many elected leaders in the news or in commercials I always envy McDonalds employees. This is because they only have to tolerate seeing one clown who runs the show on TV.

   I always know what my childhood friends are doing these days, thanks to the user-friendly county mugshot database.

   I am glad to say that even after all these years. I still follow Bell Biv Devoe's advice on not trusting a big butt and a smile

   I like to punish people who ask me how I'm doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.

   I'll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That's what this paper says.

   To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.

   The Ice Bucket Challenge was such a great idea last week!! This week...not so much!!

   i don't understand the hype around iOS8, people update java and adobe flash player on a daily basis and don't tell everyone about it.

   Sneezing while taking a piss is only recommended when you're in a public toilet.

   I think I may be getting harder to love.

   What's the difference between brown nosing and kissing ass? ...depth perception.

   Read Putin's Op-Ed in the New York Times. This crap would have been a lot more believable if after every paragraph he said "....Mr. Bond."

   Ladies, don't say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.