Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Really hoping Donald Trump wins the 2020 Olympic fencing competition.

   Can't believe how divided we've become over an election. It's not like it's the color of a dress or something.

   "If I get off , It will be on your face" - United passenger

   Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?

   Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.

   Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7

   My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

   Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"

   The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That's Cole's Law.

   God created the world in 6 days but took 9 months to create me, so clearly I’m a big deal.

   Kaepernick keeps taking a knee based on a lie...Michael Brown never had his hands up!

   Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

   "So!..where should we store 2,750 tons of high explosive for years on end?" "Just use that warehouse next to the firework factory, should be ok!"

   Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

   The date went downhill fast after I questioned which house from Harry Potter she belonged in.

   Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

   I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting nearly enough food on one diet...

   Why are all the good open-minded liberals moving to Canada? What's wrong with Mexico? If we look at the map, it appears Mexico is about the same distance from the U.S. as Canada. So what's up?

   Hillary and Trump are in a boat and it sinks. Who survives? I'd say Hillary. According to Bill, she never goes down.

   Donald Trump says he's only taking $1.00 a year as President. We could have had Hillary for $.77