Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone was so quick to point out the obvious typo in my "Meating in the conference room" email.... until I pelted them with bologna.

   Why is it when deer decide to commit suicide they always choose my car as the weapon of choice!? :/

   Its not a typo if you don't know how to spell the word.

   Losing friends and alienating people, one day at a time!

   Facebook: All the people you didn't like from high school- now with pictures of their kids!

   It's weird that my neighbors won't let me borrow their keys & make a copy of them in case I need to clean their house while they're asleep.

   How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren't even trying.

   "Where are we going... and why are we in a hand basket?" ~ Me... when I die.

   After All.....To "Err" is human....But To "Argh" is Pirate!!!!!!!

   I bet Flava Flav HATES daylight savings time.

   it still a disorder if I only cut other people?

   If hangovers were a band, they'd be Nickelback.

   I’m one of the 6 black guys in the world who has never slept with a Kardashian. :(

   my ex texted me like, "You can delete my number." I texted back like "Who this?"

   I'm not saying I abused my liver last night, but right now it's sitting under the running water of the shower & crying.

   G ay guys and black women win the eye rolling contest!

   Me: I'm so over her. Vodka: No you're not, you should text her. Me: Really? Vodka: Hell yes! 25 times.

   As far as distractions go ... I like to think I'm a good one.

   Now that the iPhone 5 is out, I'm starting to wonder if whether 2 kidneys are really all that necessary..

   After being ignored by my GF for a full week, the only communication being a yes or a no, I've learnt a very valuable lesson about women. When they tell you they don't want anything for their birthday, they don't mean it.