Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus

   When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…

   I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not? ツ

   I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can't run away..."

   Knock knock...... Who's there? A lawyer who should not do jokes at a murder trial.

   dear Santa, let me explain...

   Guy: Wanna go out with me? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: I have a test tomorrow. Girl: And? Guy: Sorry, I thought we were naming things we could cheat on

   The Royal Couple will be in the U.S. on Friday. Isn't that ironic? We spent Monday celebrating the day we threw the British out, and on Friday we're letting them back in.

   One time my own father caught me watching a porno movie. The one thing you never wanna hear in that situation is, “son, move over.”

   he often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

   Next time the bully asks you for your lunch money, tell him you left it on his mother's dresser.

   Any female who tells you she don't suck d*ck is lying; she just ain't sucking your d*ck.

   A female friend of mine said "single people can get sex whenever they want. I told her thats half true, a single woman can get sex anytime she wants. A single guy can only if he lowers his standards and ups his weight limit.

   I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I am alive because i'ma a fighter. I am wise because i've been foolish. and I've laughed because i've known sadness.

   Adults are just kids who owe money.

   wants to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off!!!

   Mickey Mouse is now 81 years old. He's now the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on Donald Trump's head.

   the problem with new years resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."im not going to fart in church."

   on the first date, don't let on that the cost of the meal worries you.

   Hun, your jerk boyfriend is like a bottle of sour milk in the fridge. You don't keep going back and tasting the milk to see if it's better; why do you think that if you give him enough chances, he'll magically become a nice guy?