Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I read quantum physics magazines for the particles.

   Dear Youtube, I can deal with Ads. I can deal with Buffer. But when Ads Buffer, I suffer!

   Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.

   "Why is it that if a girl has sex with more than one guy she's a slut but if a guy has sex with more than one girl he's a legend?" The guy replies "If a lock can be opened by more than one key it's useless but if a key can open many locks its a master key

   When I was a kid I wanted a pet giraffe & a working lightsaber, but then I found out about boobs

   I don't have anything against your religion, as long as you don't come knocking on my door to tell me about it.

   knows he was unwanted as a child when he found his bath toys were a radio and a toaster!

   Will all the mourners outside Whitney Houston's home please form a line......it's what she would have wanted.

   Presidents Day: A day when America celebrates when they actually had presidents worth celebrating.

   When I was in high school my girlfriend's dad got angry that I took her virginity. I said "Sorry, it won't happen again."

   I remember when I was a kid I went on the computer just to use paint. :)

   Four out of five urologists smell their apple juice before they drink it.

   says As a young child Bell, Biv, Devoe taught me the most important life lesson----Never trust a big butt and a smile....that girl is poison

   A smile is like tight underwear…it makes your cheeks go up.

   a guy at work said his grandfather died unexpectedly at the age of92. Really? You couldn't see that coming?

   Slept with a coworker. She didn't want it to get "weird" at work. Well neither did I, so I fired her.

   I sure hope someday the "Ghost Hunters" will realize that the tapping sound is not something only ghosts can make.

   Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside

   i dont care if my teammates are straight or gay, as long as they dont listen to Nickelback...

   If have slept with more than ten people this year then you have no ryt to call your reproductive organ a private part. It is now a Universal Charger !!