Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man who saved a 10 year old girl from being abducted claims to be an illegal immigrant. Great, now they're stealing Batman's job too.

   If you throw a baseball and hit the Target logo the store drops into a tank of water.

   Dear Genitals, Thank you for not bleeding every month. Sincerely, A Man

   I don't have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.

   Has anyone notice on the visit California commercial, Kim Kardashian is pretending to read a Quantum Physics book?

   In an instant it shook our faith in humanity. Watching people run towards the blast in the next instant restored it.

   By saying you want a sandwich after sex you're letting me know you suck at sex because you expect me to be able to walk afterwards.

   Are you gonna eat that... or just take pictures?

   Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.

   iPhone users update:- I'll screenshot it, I'll tweet about it, I'll Instagram it, I'll write a blog about it, I'll delete half of my contents for it, I'll get enraged about it.Android users update:- *clicks update, gets on with life*

   I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

     You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,

   Dad, you are like a father to me.

   She didn't find, "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?!?", as funny as I did...

   I never eat in hospital cafeterias. I'm always afraid they'll try to poison me to amp up business.

   I would like to take this time to thank everyone for our VICTORY against global warming. Well done, everyone, well done.......

   I'm at Camp Crystal Lake, being followed by this huge guy in a hockey mask holding a machete. He must be following us to make sure we're safe. Gee, what a nice guy.

   somewhere in Alaska, Sarah Palin is asking, "Who died?"

   Remember , the Grass is not always Greener on the other side!!! Unless your neighbors are"Cheech & Chong"

   I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."