Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed frequently and for the same reason.

   Friend Requests are like a box of chocolate... you never know which are the nuts

   If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

   Up against my facebook wall and spread em!

   wonders why all the old people talk about how far they walked to school back in the day...didnt anyone live close to the school back then

   You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

   No matter how many times I've been done wrong, I'll continue to be faithful, honest, and loving; sooner or later someone will appreciate it.

   Apparently,, re-enacting scenes from "Deadliest Catch" are frowned upon at Red Lobster.

   Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm always drunk when I do it.

   I just hung a stocking by my chimney but instead of using "care" I hung it with total disregard for human safety.

   Apparently "Because I'm smoking hot" is not the CORRECT answer to "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

   I don't give a sh*t how many of my FB friends liked "Walmart" ur just not gonna convice me to hit that button!

   Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible

   What kind of Leader says and does nothing about Nation Wide Riots?

   Manti Te'o should change his relationship status on Facebook to "It's Complicated"

   In other news, millions of Facebook users suddenly get their law degrees.

   Remember ladies; When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.

   Attractive girls are always the most insecure. While these Shrek looking bit$hes, walk around thinking their the s$it.

   i dont mean to brag ...but I just finished a whole chap stick without losing it

   To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential.