Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy President's day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.

   Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop

   Nothing can ruin my day like cashiers When they tell me “have a good day”.

   Just remember when you are handing kids candy for coming to your door that you may be creating a future Jehovah's Witness.

   I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them

   based on those Storage War tards, my s hit is worth $3.2 million...

   It's Saturday.. Turning my give-a-crap-o' meter down... █ ▆ ▅ ▄ ▃ ▂

   Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right.... Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we wouldn't be arguing...

   If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.

   If you take more than 5 pictures of your face and you don't like any, you should probably stop trying and accept the fact that you're ugly

   I am getting real tired of having to put pants on everyday. When does this end?

   The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.

   My day always feels a lot more productive when I think about all those forest fires I prevented.

   The best thing about being productive is going to bed knowing you did something. Or I think that's how productive people feel. I don't know.

   someone said "Kim Kardashian has given birth to a compass"

   Statistics never show how many accidents each year are the direct result of a guy checking out some chick's ass.

   great day!!! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!!!

   The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.

   Had to sneeze but it never came out and now I'm afraid it's traveling around my body trying to find another exit.

   Just had a moment with a cute girl, we locked eyes and sparks flew. Then she rolled off the hood of my car.