Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most folks are gonna stay up til midnight to see the new year in.....I'm gonna stay up to make damn sure the old year leaves.

   You'd think after the 37th take, the director would have realized I was messing up the love scene on purpose. Hey, times are hard. I'll take it where I can get it these days.

   To err is divine. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

   thinks I just stepped in a bouquet of oopsei dasies.

   Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then pray for crop failure on Sunday.

   says "The early bird gets the worm, but the night owl gets the tequila!!"

   wants to find a woman but then has a beer and a nap and it makes everything right again

   There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.

   Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." They got up and unplugged the computer.

   crazy people are exhausting!

   Sometimes it seems I spend half my life just breathing in.

   I miss The Oregon Trail. Life seemed so simple when your biggest worry was killing enough buffalo before you died of dysentery.

   No you must have misheard. I said that the job was "below me".

   There's someone outside wearing nothing but cowboy boots, a candy necklace and a tiara. Damn. What am I suppose to wear now?

   You know you're getting old when you no longer buy cereal for the prize but for the fiber content.

   Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

   I think the real question by now is: What is a Klondike Bar going to do for me?

   Happy President's day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.

   Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop

   Nothing can ruin my day like cashiers When they tell me “have a good day”.