Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Global warming sucks but I'm kind of looking forward to riding a jet ski to work every day.

   would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids.

   When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old lady..." I want them to worry, "I hope she's not armed..."

   "I'm gonna need to crunch some numbers" is a good answer to any question when you've zoned out and aren't sure what they said

   stuck at work – and by “stuck” I mean drinking and by “work” I mean sitting in the recliner!

   Just shot three vampires and a zombie. You're welcome.

   Your story doesn't add up, so feel free to stop lying.

   Some people say I dream too much, I say its just because my life is better than their dreams are.

   An old lady at the park said to me today, "I see your dog's fetching balls."I said, "I know he has but, at your age, you shouldn't really be looking."

   What do you mean you can't deliver pizza to a pillow fort?!?

   I am going shopping today. Well, I don't wanna go but this girl I'm stalking is on her way there so I have no choice.

   I didn't sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.

   "I enjoy long walks on the b!tch." - a flea's online dating profile.

   You'd think that two religions with such fierce hatreds of Pork might find more to agree on.

   I used to have faith in humanity...then I stepped into Wal-Mart.

   I am willing to promise my kids anything just so they go away for a while. I learned that trick from the government.

   If you can tell I'm drunk, you need to catch up.

   My girlfriend told me to grow a pear... What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?

   50 Shades of Grey..Girls can't wait to read it and Guys can't wait for the movie!

   Your restaurant's policy regarding how the wait staff behaves when it's a customer's birthday tells me whether or not I'll ever eat there again