Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just got in an argument with my Mom regarding investment decisions...turns out even if you hold multiple degrees in finance ur still a kindergarten goin kid in ur Moms eyes...sigh..:(

   Please have the courtesy to let me go to hell in my own sweet fashion.

   I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I'm the only one that matters.

   Did a law pass that I don't know about which requires all minivans to go 15mph under the posted speed limit on AM freeways?

   The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.

   Women ask for advice on what to wear and then end up wearing the exact opposite.. that's why I think Snow Pants and Leather Jackets are sexy as hell on them."

   Strippers are like trees. Instead of absorbing Carbon Dioxide and emitting Oxygen, they absorb Desperation and emit Hope.

   It's My late night and I Forgot to bring my lunch and dinner to work with me. My "things I would do for a Klondike bar" list, is rapidly starting to grow!

   Those who complain the most accomplish the least.

   Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the BIOTCH up with cookies.

   just had my vision checked. My hindsight was 20/20. My foresight is legally blind

   CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

   madder than a midget with a yoyo!

   If someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.

   ask me what I like about you, 15 drinks from now .

   Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.

   thinks that calling some people "white trash" is an insult to styrofoam.

   Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back

   To sum up: yes, I cried like a baby during Toy Story 3, even more than I did at the end of The Human Centipede.

   Happy birthday Dora the explorer now we can get you a GPS