Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know."

   Harry Potter's movie reinforces one stereotype. That an army of evil is still surprisingly inept at killing the main character

   IMAGINE if Facebook, Twitter, and msn all broke at the same time. We might have to actually get lives

   Who else puts LOL or LMAO or ROFL knowing good and damn well your sitting there with a straight face

   Ever worry that the sensors on those automatic toilets are actually little video cameras? Bet you are now.

   Anything you can do, I can do bitter.

   If you ever see anyone planking in public, nothing is stopping you from dropping a Macho Man "flying elbow" on them.

   Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.

   I'm the type of boy who can set the kitchen on fire by just getting a bowl of cereal.

   Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, “Don't ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand.”

   Why don't more hunters set up their stands at the deer crossing signs.

   Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.

   CONSEQUENCES OF TODAY'S MODERN LIFE STYLES: The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Your kids and my kids are beating our kids!

   Maybe nows a good time to change my status from aethist to very religious and it's complicated.

   thinking maybe Doritos can bring back my love life like it did for Grandpa...

   I'm home alone on a Saturday watching a show about flying planes in Alaska. Can't I just meet a nice girl on craigslist that will come over and kill me?

   You are the result of 4 billion years of evolution. The least you can do is act like it.

   A smart man just marries the right woman, even if it does take him years to find her.

   Missing wife and dog. Reward for dog.

   I don't know what it is that you're doing to make it appear as if you're really stupid, but whatever it is, it's really working