Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   n honor of vasectomy awareness, for the rest of the day, all men should post the color of their undergarments on their FB status. I'll start. Paisley

   For all you with "it's complicated" as your status, FB has a new, more truthful option. Because what you really want to say is, "In a relationship, until something better comes along, which shouldn't be too long cuz this dude is on my LAST friggin nerve!

   finally found out what a 'Snooki' is. I thought it was some great, new dessert everyone was talking about. To my disappointment, it's girl who looks like she's had way too many desserts.

   Thinks it would be completly acceptable to eat Taco Bell tacos today for lent because they don't contain REAL meat

   I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who was wearing Uggs.

   putting on his mistletoe belt buckle

   Why is "one" the loneliest number? I've found that you can clear out a room even faster with a well-placed "number two."

   Hoping the hurricane washes up jersey shore!

   Why does everyone insist on asking, "You ok?" after you hurt yourself? No I'm not f*cking OK. Can you not sense my agony?

   I wish that Hallmark would make a card that says, "Sorry, what was your name again?"

   yes I'm an A$$hole but I'm my defense that guy shouldn't have been walking that close to that puddle!

   will not be making any Christmas related status updates until December

   Normal people are weird.

   I just wish my mouth had a backspace key....

   I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

   I'm so good at bullsh*ting that I just convinced myself I'm in a good mood.

   Nothing pisses me off like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY dumb@ss!

   Work is givin' us a piss test to celebrate our new contract. I just put glitter in mine... good luck tryin' to figure that one out muthafuckas!

   *Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let's get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”

   There's an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it's coming soon