Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   will not be making any Christmas related status updates until December

   Normal people are weird.

   I just wish my mouth had a backspace key....

   gonna miss those cool New Years glasses where the two middle frames are the "O's"

   Would like to fist pump "The Situation" right in face!!

   n honor of vasectomy awareness, for the rest of the day, all men should post the color of their undergarments on their FB status. I'll start. Paisley

   For all you with "it's complicated" as your status, FB has a new, more truthful option. Because what you really want to say is, "In a relationship, until something better comes along, which shouldn't be too long cuz this dude is on my LAST friggin nerve!

   finally found out what a 'Snooki' is. I thought it was some great, new dessert everyone was talking about. To my disappointment, it's girl who looks like she's had way too many desserts.

   Thinks it would be completly acceptable to eat Taco Bell tacos today for lent because they don't contain REAL meat

   I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who was wearing Uggs.

   Work is givin' us a piss test to celebrate our new contract. I just put glitter in mine... good luck tryin' to figure that one out muthafuckas!

   Every time someone clears their browser history there should be a little voice that says "good move.

   Life is like a pen!s: simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's women who make it hard.

   *Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let's get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”

   There's an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it's coming soon

   When a midget smokes weed does he get high? Or medium?

   Great..now the lamest sports slogan ever WHO DAT will never die..

   I don't understand the whole gay marriage debate. Why would they want to ruin a perfectly good relationshp by getting married?

   The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.

   just became the president of A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.- All American Association Against Acronym And Abbreviation Abuse Anonymous