Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know your ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg

   Cutting onions doesn't make me cry. I became indifferent to their suffering years ago.

   It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

   if you have been naughty this Christmas be happy if you get coal...there are blind snowmen out there that would kill for it!

   it makes me really sad that there is a man so old he can hardly move still having to work at the Rochester tolls. which is why I always offer him delicious treats that I keep stored in my car like skittles and chocolate in an attempt to make his day :)

   I wonder what the goose did to earn its silly reputation...

   if we have walkie talkies then why are vacumes not call pushy suckies

   Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

   Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

   You know you're getting old if you look at an iPad and think "doesn't that look like an Etch-a-Sketch?"

   There are only two  four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used  together. 

   I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

   I'm so good at bullsh*ting that I just convinced myself I'm in a good mood.

   Nothing pisses me off like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY dumb@ss!

   putting on his mistletoe belt buckle

   Why is "one" the loneliest number? I've found that you can clear out a room even faster with a well-placed "number two."

   Hoping the hurricane washes up jersey shore!

   Why does everyone insist on asking, "You ok?" after you hurt yourself? No I'm not f*cking OK. Can you not sense my agony?

   I wish that Hallmark would make a card that says, "Sorry, what was your name again?"

   yes I'm an A$$hole but I'm my defense that guy shouldn't have been walking that close to that puddle!