Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

   Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a Jedi Master and use the force to open automatic doors like at walmart.

   I need some transition time from the weekend... can we drink during lunch breaks this week to get back to normal?

   starting his spring cleaning tonight...so if you have 1 less friend in the morning, you'll know why!!!!

   not spoiled...... I deserve all my stuff.

   always beats Edward Scissorhands in rock-paper-scissors.

   Go Go Gadget status!

   Acting as if today is Saturday. Going to work unshaved, no shower, in shorts and a T, full cooler of beer as my brief case, and the attitude of "don't bother me, it's Saturday".

   glad McDonald's doesn't have hotdogs, she doesn't think she could order a McWeiner with a straight face.

   inbox(1).... awesome feeling

   having one of those days where I wanna set someones face on fire and try putting it out wit a fork

   I flip that middle finger and that index finger follows. Deuces!

   If everyday is a gift then today's gift is a box of straws cuz it sucks.

   Next halloween I'm gonna dress as a shrub and randomly sit in peoples front yards

   Sarcasm is a dish best served instantly.

   More than 72% of women lose their virginity while riding a bike on a bumpy road.

   girl next to me at work is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup... NICE!

   Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. BUT How many of them will own up to where the f*ck they were last night????

   tired of all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my p*nis, especially since I am a woman, so I have forward them to my exhusband

   I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now.