Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If winning was easy, losers would do it.

   Maybe Hostess will open back up in 10 years and hand out 5 golden twinkies...

   Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.

   You know you were drunk last night when you cooked pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

   Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I've had it a long time."

   12 years of the Patriot Act and now people are upset about Verizon?

   I caught my girlfriend sliding down the hand rails of our stairs over and over... I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm heating up your dinner!!!"

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car

   "A minute can seem such a long time . . . depending on which side of the bathroom door your on :)

   Dressing up for Halloween as a Kardashian. I'll be turning tricks for treats.

   Everyone has three lives: their public life, private life, and secret life.

   Early preview of tonight's State Of The Union speech: It sucks. We're broke. Quit bitching. Goodnight.

   does not understand why people say "if I won the lottery, I would still work"....im 100% sure I could find better things to do...especially when I'm rich

   How awkward do you think Prince William's stag is going to be when he realizes he's stuffing pictures of his Gran into a strippers thong?

   What's common between the sun and women's underwear? a) Both are hot b) Both look better while going down c) Both disappear by night.

   Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar

   ahh young Love. Full of promise, full of hope. Ignorant of reality

   doesn't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth like 12 points

   Just found out "suns" upside down is still "suns"

   Feels sorry for K-9 drug sniffin dogs on their day off.....what do you mean we're not going to work....you don't understand mannnnn.