Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet now Martin Shkreli wish he had that anti-parasite medicine

   Whenever a convo is going badly and you want out, just say "and that's when I became a vegan."

   [during sex] Hey, thanks for doing this with me.

   ‪The first idiot to complain that it’s too hot this summer is getting hit with a 10lb. bag of ice!‬

   You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"

   How to strengthen your abs: 1. lie down and put your hands behind your head... Wow, what great position for a nap, better take a nap.

   When someone knocks on my door, I find the best thing to do is knock back from my side. Then they go away.

   Look what happened to Craigslist Casual Encounters! Now where are we supposed to go for sex with strangers and/or possible murderers?!

   I'll never forget the thrill of that first kiss or the night I decided to keep someone else's Tupperware.

   I’m tired of not having any plans to cancel.

   Sex with me is like riding a bike. You never forget it and if you’re doing it you probably don’t have a car, a job, or any dignity.

   I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.

   I'm not saying Happy Holiday's to anyone this year, instead I'm saying Merry Christmas

   statistics show that 1 out of 20 of us live next door to a conivcted pedophile, not me though, I live next to two stunning 16 year olds.

   Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There's apparently more traffic going to hell!!!

   Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.

   a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never here the end of it

   Kate Middleton Is Now Officially A MILF

   • My life. My choices. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business.

   To make it straight, she pulls it. 2 make it stand, she rubs it. 2 make it stiff, she licks it. 2 let it “IN” she pushes it. !!!! True! Threading a needle is not easy!!!