Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It takes exactly 14 Kitkats to make you pass out from a sugar overdose.

   Last night I slept next to a plate full of Dominos pizza crumbs if any of you are wondering where I am in my life's journey.

   I'd never date a woman that's more muscular than I am. Unless she forced me to. I mean what could I do?

   feels sorry for the turkey....after it gets killed, the neck gets shoved up the @$$...what a way to go

   Curious George books are a great way to teach kids that single men who wear large yellow hats and own pet monkeys are in no way threatening.

   Girls; Real men look for women who are mature, and know what they want in life; Players will take you either way.

   every year, I realize how stupid I was the year before.

   Has the NORAD Santa tracker stopped working? It says he's been at the Cheetahs Club in NYC for the past 48 hours.

   I drink heavily on the weekends so I can be able to deal with my workmates during the week.

   My boyfriend thought I was great, but after nosing through my underwear drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid outfit and a police woman uniform, he dumped me saying, "It's obvious, you can't hold down a job."

   A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes

   has anyone seen Steven Tyler lately?...that dude really does look like a lady

   I see Snooki met her weight goal of 98 pounds. AWESOME! One stiff north wind and Canada can deal with her.

   Sign seen at Bank window: "We don't mind you talking on your cell phone as long as you don't mind us IGNORING YOU! Thank you so much!"

   It's always "going to be okay" when it's not happening to you.

   Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."

   The term "Redneck" is so offensive....they're called "Nascar Americans".

   Everyone complains about the weather, but no one wants to sacrifice a virgin to change it.

   For fun, I steal all my married friends phones and change my name to "Brandy from the club"....then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3 am.

   You're a true 90's kid if you heard, "Get off the internet....I need to use the phone."