Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks instead of Jerry Springer using a Boxing Bell; he should just tie Cow Bells around all the Heifer's Necks....

   And don't even get me started on statements with no context.

   can't get with this day light savings, I'm moving to Hawaii.

   So... what did I learn today?.... never, EVER stand up too quickly after playing guitar hero for 3 hours straight!

   just made cranberry sauce vodka shots

   You make a valid point, but there is a major flaw in your argument. You assume that I'm listening to you.

   I came a long way in therapy with my weird obsession of using shapes and numbers, but yesterday I slipped up and now I'm back to square one.

   Sorry to hear about your breakup. If it's any consolation, I don't know what he ever saw in you.

   Props to our cat for getting excited about eating the same food EVERYDAY!

   Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.

   How do you know if someone went to Harvard? They tell you.

   My idea of multitasking is getting someone else to do it.

   Game of Thrones is totally going to win the "Most Unrealistic Pubic Hair in a Medieval Drama" Emmy this year.

   Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.

   Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.

   The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don't want breakfast.

   Given the choice between a woman and a beer, always choose the woman with a beer.

   Valentine's Day is for lovers. Or for people like us who will celebrate anything as long as there's slutty lingerie and saturated fats involved.

   What impresses me more than your facebook friend count hovering at around 5,000...are the same three people that post on your page.

   if your hot enough, being crazy won't effect luring a man in