Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It may be a sign we're winning the war on terror when the Taliban take credit for a guy who tried to make a bomb out of fireworks...

   College: Producing the most educated alcoholics since 1892.

   It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives

   i raised myself, Happy Father's Day to me

   logged into your facebook account and rearanging your farm!

   There is no such thing as "normal". There is only a lot of weird people doing the same weird things.

   A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.

   "Project Runway": New title for "Teach your kid to be an air traffic controller at JFK."

   the only blizzard I want to see is from Dairy Queen.

   At the end of each work day, I have a strong urge to sidekick the elevator down button, suppressed only by my desire to maintain employment

   My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet

   As I grow older and wiser, I am increasingly aware that mostly, I'm just growing older..

   it's a real shot to the ego when you join a internet dating site and can't get a date

   The witch in Hansel and Gretel, she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house, and these brats come along, and start eating it.

   Even though I can drive a car, there is still something that makes driving a golf cart so awesome.

   One typo and suddenly I was late waxing up for work this morning!

   Knowledge is power... and I see a lot of weakness.

   Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

   You know you're from ________when you play Spin The Bottle on family game night.

   gotta love it when 75% of commercials are political ads. I find it odd that I'm actually looking forward to when commercials are 100% commercials again.