Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your ass must get jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth!

   Beer tastes so delicious when you hate everyone!

   I've decided to be a mythological creature for Halloween this year. It's a tie between a unicorn or a proud Brown's fan.

   I think it was suppose to be Honey Poo Poo instead of Honey boo boo. Because clearly thats where tv is headed, down the pooper.

   "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye": Man side of every phone conversation with his wife.

   I'm reading the ingredients on a can of dog food, and I'm shocked to see that 17% of it is "kids' homework".

   When you go back to the scene of the drinking crime, somehow it all looks different in daylight.

   May the beer rise up to meet you and may your bar tab be picked up by someone else, and may the hangover be far from you. Happy St. Paddy's Day!

   God is love, but Lucifer does that thing with his tongue.

   I need a Café Mocha Valium Latte.

   "According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters since May. There's still debate as to whether she lost them or just deleted them from her database.

   Presidents come and go, the pendulum swings back and forth ... America is 259 years old .... it has happened many times and we are still here ... so just Chill

   Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

   I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

   Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Caitlyn is gonna be a Tranpa.

   "Second coat my ass! -Michelangelo, upon completing the Sistine Chapel job.

   If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants,,, expect A LOT of text messages

   It's been three days since bono's luggage fell from his private jet and he "still hasn't found what he's looking for" Eh?

   My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom. The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I've strategically placed, should do the trick.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: Pfft,,, I could think of like fifty reasons,, I’m not falling for that.