Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So me && grandma go for a joy ride and I turn on the radio, she says" who in the devil is this?" I replyed Grandma, his name is 50 cent, she then said " well I'll give him a dollar to shut up!"

   I'm opening a shelter for battered onion rings.

   It's not considered a "mood" if you're always in it. At that point, it's just YOU being a D-BAG!

   Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old

   “She ain't you" is by far Chris Brown's best hit since Rihanna.

   What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think it's 'just take it'?

   You know.... I have gotten some really great bathroom decorating tips from Facebook.

   If you start your day on a positive note, more than likely it will end in harmony..

   Wow.... There really is one born every minute.

   With the fuel prices as high as they are, I'm going to be BAD this year and hope Santa brings me COAL!!!

   I absolutely hate when people pull onto a highway goin 5mph! Don't be surprised when you have a Ford symbol embedded in the back of your trunk a$$hole!

   so we took a poll. and just as I suspected, nobody likes you

   My life wasn't complete until I met you,,,,,,, You COMPLETELY ruined it. Thanks...

   Dear fake profile with bikini pics that just friend requested me: 1. I have a great memory for hot chicks; I don't know you. 2. 52 of our "mutual friends" are idiots. 3.They're all guys......color me surprised.

   The only people who still leave voicemail messages are bill collectors and moms.

   Whenever I have a dream about someone, It's always awkward seeing them the next day.

   Looking for a dog house !! Must be at least 6' 2" long : (

   not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.

   100% of the people that talk sh!t about your life, have sh!ttier lives than you.

   Dude, you don't need to add 'I'm Just Sayin' to whatever you just said, since clearly you just said it. Just sayin.'