Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women like to hear things like, I love you and you're so pretty, while men like to hear things like, you're not the father or I swallow.

   My Doctor says I'm a serious alcoholic, but I think I'm more of a funny alcoholic.

   Home Alone! Expectation: Party! Party! Reality: Peeing with the door open.

   Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.

   When you have a " ■ " in the beginning of your status.... You're automatically an idiot..

   MOM: Make your bed! SON: Why make my bed If I'm gonna sleep In It again tonight? MOM: Why wipe your ass If you are gonna poop again?

   Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say, "What the f*ck are you doing?"

   hasn't bought a single Christmas gift yet.

   just won the Golden Globe for "Best status post, musical or comedy".

   Dear Santa.... All I want is access to that "bad boy's" list of yours.

   ATTENTION BIEBER FANS: All shows have been cancelled until after the holidays. Sorry for the inconvenience, but Santa needs him in the workshop.

   hey Justin Bieber, remember Hanson?

   Let's flip a coin, Heads I get Tail Tails I get Head!

   2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f*ck up"

   you know your old when you teabag the toilet water.

   Dilemma. Do I wash dishes or do I attempt to eat Cornflakes from a cup with a knife?

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   Passwords are like underwear. You shouldn't leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you shouldn't loan them out to strangers.

   Dear washing machine, I am all for fighting breast cancer, in-fact I have offered to be a buddy for the buddy check, but turning my socks pink… Come on!

   Drugs may lead to nowhere but at least it's the scenic route.