Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FACT : sharks will only attack you if you are wet

   Everyone has that moment of terror when their line of thinking goes from "Where did I park my car?" to "Did someone steal my f*cking car?"

   Just when I start to think mankind will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 15 minutes.

   Some people want to wake up rich. Some people want to wake up famous. I just want to wake up and not worry about a damn thing.

   A cop walks up to the car, " you know why I'm standing here?" "Because you got all C's in highschool?"

   flipping channels and saw a girl I hooked up with about a year ago on the Maury show talking about she had only been with two guys and she was 100% he was the father of her baby. It was hilarious! I stopped laughing when Maury said you are not the father

   Happy 237th birthday America, you have achieved a level of corruption that rivals the crown we freed ourselves from.

   Mexican word of the day... Bishop. "My girlfriend fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the Bishop"

   After all these years, my armpits have not moved, yet I still use a mirror to put on deodorant.

   Have ya ever notice no one ever post a "If you have a loved one in Hell that you miss, please repost"...

   Well, seems the dude that created Doritos died, Art West was 97 years old, apparently he died of nacho-ral causes....

   I bet the last time you got a piece of ass is when your fingers slipped through the toilet paper!

   I Just Saw two homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard; PILLOW FIGHT?!

   no matter how old you are, if a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.

   Condoms Prevent Minivans!!

   Think Big. Think Positive. Think Smart. Think Beautiful. Think Great. I know,that's too much for you, so here is a shortcut. JUST THINK ABOUT ME!

   Did anyone notice something about Kanye West this week? Yeah, the fool replaced his bottom teeth with diamonds. DIAMONDS. So instead of a loud-mouth retard, he's a loud-mouth retard that sparkles.

   And then God created Saturn...and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

   Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

   I know karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 27 other dangerous words.