Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Teach a man to fish and he'll be like "Cool, thanks!" Teach a woman to fish and she'll be like "You're doing it wrong."

   Researchers say men are 3 times more likely to be the first to say "I love you", than women. In our defence, ladies, we don't mean it

   went to a shrink today. she says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other bi tch!

   People really misunderstand me.....I mean, I’m a simple girl, really. I enjoy long romantic walks (to the liquor store)...quiet conversations (with my bail bondsman)....that secure feeling (that only an ankle monitoring bracelet can bring)...

   dear NBC, wake me up when women's beach volleyball starts...

   Sometimes when I post stuff h ere it doesn't post. I figure the A dministrator just gave it to B EGO to post

   I live by my own rules... that my gf has reviewed, revised and then approved. BUT STILL MY OWN RULES!!!!

   It's amazing how many girls are lured into the world of Adult Entertainment. I guess the old saying is true: "There's a sucker born every minute."

   Enjoying a new drink called the bin laden. 2 shots and a splash of water

   Either you love bacon or you're wrong

   just gotten an email stating that I had won the Nigerian lottery! I just left the post office to send off my 1500 dollar processing fee and I'll be on a beach in the Bahama's in no time, SUCKAS!

   I wonder, if I drive by myself, does it still count as a carpool since I'm bringing the voices in my head with me?

   All I said was .. "Just spread the legs open alittle wider and I'll stuff it in".....Geez thats the last time I try to help stuff a turkey !

   I'm not lazy. Someone just stole my motivation. I'm the victim here!

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the fuck up" be a virtue?

   My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I'm sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.

   FYI: The opposite of Chevy Chase,,,, is Ford Escape.

   I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me, “Hey, we have four mutual colleagues in Linkedin." Can I come in?

   Are there any times in your life you wish you could just forget? Ummmm, like for instance, when that guy sucked the cheese off that other guy's finger in the Doritos commercial? I think I threw up in my mouth a little.

   There are many paths On the journey through life, I think I might have chose the psychopath....