Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "The truth is..." = "Here's a lie I've had some time to work on."

   Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

   I hate when someone tags me at the donut shop and I am supposed to be running

   I really question the marketing tactics at Whosale Furniture Outlets. I've never heard anyone say "Oooh! A giant inflatable Ape!! I think I want to buy a couch!"

   Learn to spell, Auto Correct isn't always write

   Driving on the highway a guy walking on the side of the road gave me a thumbs up I guess he liked my car.

   You know how sometimes you can just tell when someone's had enough of you for one day, so you back off and leave them alone? Me neither.

   Two winners for mega millions. One in Indiana and one in Michigan. I hope they both lose their tickets in the snow!

   going to call you a half-wit, but I didn't want to tell a half-truth...

   Yesterday the house was clean, sorry you missed it.

   Topless pictures of the Royal Family don't shock me as much as pictures of them doing manual labor would

   Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.

   No, my friend, you may not borrow a condom because the word borrow implies that you plan to return it.

   DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.

   I'm too old to die young, so I have that going for me.

   My dad carries pictures of me and my brother where his money used to be.

   Ive learned one thing from watching zombie movies. Rednecks will survive

   Relationships should be like flying... You should only be allowed one carry-on and all other baggage should be checked at the door...

   I keep trying to find love on all the wrong websites.

   When my brother ran away, we moved his stick figure to the other side of the minivan's back window.