Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you own a dog that can fit inside a handbag, you don't own a dog ... or even a pet. You own a fashion accessory that sh*ts a lot.

   Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...

   So I was at a bar last night and a waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?" I said "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed. Well, everyone except this one guy….

   This whole Gorilla thing makes me wonder what kind of thoughtless ignorant parent tries to raise a child in Ohio?

   Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?

   No, I don't like to wear pants. Or as I call them, leg prisons.

   I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.

   The great tragedy of the cactus is that their arms are always open, eagerly anticipating the hug that will never come.

   I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.

   I’ll apologize for being late to your wedding after you apologize for inviting me.

   Sleeping much better now that the Burger King mascot is off the air.

   Jim of all trades was also versatile though not as well known.

   Studies have shown there is a direct correlation between a woman's insecurity and the amount of selfies she posts each day.

   I'm going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.

   LeBron James needs to sign with a WNBA team where its okay to puss out of a game because of cramps.

   Look,,, all I'm saying is I've never seen Bruce Jenner and Caitlyn Jenner in the same room.

   to all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July

   When they named Newfoundland, it's like they just weren't even trying.

   My wife said that to make our relationship work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat...

   Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "an@l" in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc