Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do porn sites have a "Share to Facebook" button? Who watches porn and thinks, "You know who'd really enjoy this? My family and friends."

   Great Thanks to these doushbags, now I gotta get a background check for a pressure cooker at Sears......

   I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”

   S.O.B.E.R. = Son on a B!tch, EVERTHING's REAL

   Only in West Virginia would see a bumper sticker that reads "Proud parent of a nephew"

   would call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose.

   What are a man's three favorite games? Checker, Chess & Poker. (If you didn't get this say it quickly to yourself)

   In preparation for 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads.

   You know it was a good christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass

   just because you take a picture of a lawn chair, make it black and white, and write 'Summer 09' on it doesn't make you an artist.

   I believe in taking the bull by the horns. Then I believe in steering it in the direction of whoever is bugging me.

   Oh God! Please teach me to appreciate what I have, before time forces me to appreciate what I had

   Flavor Flav turns 51 today. He'll spend a quiet day at home, still resting up after a weekend of moving all his clocks forward.

   I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed in the morning. She said go sleep in the kitchen.

   it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...no money, pretty stressed, freezing cold and running nose!

   Women never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back

   why are women known as sex objects? Everytime you want to have sex, they object!!

   thinks you should get compensated for every popcorn kernel that doesn't pop in every bag of popcorn

   Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.

   Electricity off?... Check. Doors and windows unlocked?... Check. Knives, Chainsaws, Machettes sharpened?... Double Check!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN