Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Waitress: "Do you have any questions about the menu?" Me: " Yes, What kind of font is this?"

   I just got the best deal ever on eggs.

   Immediately updating your relationship status on Facebook after a fight for the 10th time this week is annoying, cut it out.

   Keeping secrets can kill you. And let's just keep that between us.

   thinking that school kids are dumb. Whenever they watch a student with a "KICK ME" sticker on their back, they LAUGH, instead of kicking!

   Relationships would be great if it wasn't for all those feelings.

   Lisa Lampanelli Eva Longoria to divorce Tony Parker over text msgs to other woman. Dude you can delete those things! Even O.J. knew to get rid of the knife!

   I think I'm getting the hang of these Facebook games. My mafia farm is doing quite nice.

   Gentlemen prefer blondes, but it takes a real man to handle a redhead

   Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

   NOTE TO SELF: Remember not to post about my personal life on FaceBook. And don't forget to pick up condoms for my date with whats her name..........

   Post this if you know (or are related to) someone who suffers from stupidity. Stupidity is a real condition and should be taken seriously. There is no known cure for stupidity but we can raise awareness. 93% won't post this because they won't know how.

   The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

   I'm not afraid of heights, swimming, or love... Just falling, drowning, and rejection...

   heard about the new miracle diet? Its called "The Garlic Diet", where you eat nothing but garlic, and you instantly look thinner... from a distance...

   going to buy a boat some day and name it "Cirrhosis of the River"

   knows one thing about the speed of light...it gets here way too early in the morning.

   Hmmm....my wife just left the house in a big hurry with her winged monkeys in hot pursuit. Someone is in trouble

   I'm concerned that America will lose the next time we are invaded because this generation will be too busy staring at their phones to notice.

   Clean your rooms kids or I'll wear yoga pants when your friends come over. And yes thats a threat.