Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today's secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.

   I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.

   5 words that scare the hell out of me in horror movies, "Based on a true story."

   I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store.

   I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours

   My girlfriend wanted us to go out and have a romantic evening instead of me staying home and watching Wrestlemania....... She's getting good at this April fools thing.

   I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday. I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.

   Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like... "Dude, shouldn't you be hanging out with people your own age?"

   Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you're in Heaven!

   My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.

   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Philosophy is wondering if ketchup is a Smoothie.

   Just once I'd like the world's oldest person headline to end with "fends off bear."

   Really offended these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently, like I don't treat every burrito with the utmost respec

   I hate being petty and wishing misfortune on others, but some days it's just necessary...

   If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes

   Whenever I feel like my life sucks, I go to Walmart , then I feel better

   Tomorrow I'm going to the homeless shelter and getting me some 2013 St Louis Cardinals World Series Champions shirts for free..

   I am living vicariously through myself...

   Lately, I have really begun to appreciate the versatility of the word "asshat".

   I'm getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.