Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   never finishes anythi

   hosting a time travel seminar, the first meeting is last week.......

   doesn't have a drinking problem. He drinks. He gets drunk. He falls down. No problem...

   I hate Facebook in times of disasters, Everyone shares thoughts and prayers and pretty candle photos but nobody means it and nobody gets off their fat a$$es to do anything to help.

   How many women does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, she just holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

   If you’re in a relationship for sex it’s like buying an airplane for the peanuts.

   Well it appears coming soon to a store near you...The Morning After Pill. Marketed in fun filled colors and your favorite cartoon characters. You can choose from flintstone, gummy bear, buggs bunny, or any of your favorite Disney characters...

   All of a sudden everyone on Facebook seems to be a criminal law expert.

   How do you stop a man breaking in your house?? Replace the locks with bra fasteners.

   Being single doesn't mean you know nothing about love. Sometimes, its wiser to be alone than with the wrong damn person.

   Nothing morally bankrupt about homosexuality, Obama said it was okay.

   passed a homeless guy on the way to the Coinstar machine today. "Sorry, I have no change"...man was that awkward.....

   Women often wonder why men drink so much. Well the answer is simple. If you're not going to make an effort to improve your appearance, someone has to

   you`ll notice after reading this notice, that this notice isn`t worth noticing

   Horse cops would be way cooler if they didn't have people cops riding them. Just horses with a gun and a badge. And a taste for justice.

   There is nothing better than putting on a warm pair of underwear fresh from the dryer! I even like to scan the laundramat to try and figure out who they belong to!!!

   Did you know if you put your ear up to a strangers leg, you can actually hear them say; "What the hell are you doing?"

   Try explaining the Biggest Loser to Ethopians: "See we have soo much food we actually have a contest to see who can stop eating so much of it!" ...

   I'm starting to forget how the alphabet goes... ABCDEFGHIJKLMFAO.....

   Funds are low this year, so the Chex Party Mix I'm bringing to the office Birthday party is just birdseed and expired high blood pressure pills.