Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wished Justin Bieber would do a tour in the Middle East, Afghanistan to be specific..

   BAM!!! Another Day Not In The Obits!!!

   Screw foreplay. I start sex the way a SWAT team kicks down a door.

   If I'm going to be last on your list, then you can go ahead and just take me off of the list...

   If you watch Honey Boo Boo and enjoy it....please seek the help that you need...

   I'm pretty sure the Salvation Army could kick North Korea's a$$...

   I love being in that mood where everything is hilarious!

   Who the hell still calls in to request a song on the radio?

   "Morning sex" is more efficient than coffee when trying to wake up and stay awake throughout the day

   not sitting at home praying, he is out somewhere being prayed for!

   Whenever I hear women whine about wanting men who cuddle, listen, call them sweet names, and help clean around the house, I think there's a name for that. Lesbians.

   The only worse thing than 'the one that got away' is the one that won't leave me alone.

   Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multi tasker.

   What does 'Serious Misconduct' mean Is it fun? It sounds like fun Anyways, HR want to discuss it with me.

   There's something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs....

   2 things that don't mix Ray Lewis and the dark.

   You say "guy friend" but what I really am is a very patient, milquetoast, khakis wearing dude hoping to catch you at your most horniest.

   I just accidentally made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips in the urinal next to me ... I think I need to kill him now.

   If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.

   When the going gets tough the tough get vodka.